I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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