I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
