You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
