Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
