i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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