the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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