Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
