I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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