I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
