Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
