if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
