My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
