Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
