if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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