She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize