Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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