he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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