She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
