Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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