worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
