My friends, they love my intelligence
my phone needs a breathalizer
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
