Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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