Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
