Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
