if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
