I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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