At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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