At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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