It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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