3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
