so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
