i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
