woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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