I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
