There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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