OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize