I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
