Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the day after is always just damage control
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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