i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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