pop tarts are not kleenex
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
