Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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