where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
