Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just pee around me
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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