I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
