My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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