yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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