Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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