More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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