I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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