I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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