I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
