At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Randomize
