are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
