Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
