Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
