Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
