Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
