Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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