May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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