I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
