her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
